Showing Up Whole

Growing Up With Your Kids: Parenting, Marriage & Reclaiming Yourself with Rebecca Greene

• Christina Fletcher / Rebecca Greene • Season 5 • Episode 23

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What happens when the chapter of hands-on parenting starts to shift  and suddenly you have space to ask, who am I now?
This week I'm joined by Rebecca Greene, social worker, parent coach, and host of the Whinypalooza podcast, for an honest, warm, and often hilarious conversation about the evolving journey of parenting teenagers, rediscovering your identity, and the quiet work of a long marriage.

Rebecca's three kids are each teaching her something different about letting go. With Max newly off to college, we explore what it really means to grow up alongside your children, and why the first child is always the guinea pig.

In this episode, we talk about:

  • Why parenting is a relationship, not a role,  and what changes when you start treating it that way
  • The elastic band of letting go: how capable kids become when we step back
  • Reclaiming your identity after 20 years of putting yourself on the back burner
  • Marriage lessons from 21 years with Seth, including why pausing before you speak might be the most underrated relationship skill
  • The emotional vs. physical conflict types (and why opposites always seem to find each other)
  • Love languages in real life: why acts of service land differently for different people
  • Ignoring outside pressure and tuning into your own family's values
  • Why fear sits at the heart of most parenting struggles — and how self-care connects you to deeper intuition about your kids

Rebecca's parting wisdom is simple and powerful: when we focus on our own nervous system and keep ourselves in a good state, we show up better for everyone around us.

Rebecca Greene received her Bachelor’s degree in psychology and her Master’s degree in social work.  Rebecca is a social worker, blogger, vlogger, podcaster and author. 

Connect with Rebecca:
Visit her website

The Whinypaluza Facebook Group

Rebecca's Podcast

Youtube



Enjoyed this episode? Subscribe, leave a review, and share it with a parent who needs to hear this today.

Christina Fletcher is a Spiritual Alignment coach, energy worker, author, speaker and host of the podcast Showing Up Whole.
She specialises in practical spirituality and integrating inner work with outer living, so you can get self development off of the hobby shelf and integrated as a powerful fuel to your life.

Through mindset, spiritual connection, intuitive guidance, manifestation, and mindfulness techniques Christina helps her clients overcome overwhelm and shame to find a place of flow, ease, and deep heart-centered connection.
Christina has been a spiritual alignment coach, healer and spiritually aware parent coach for 11 years and trained in Therapeutic Touch 12 years ago.  She is also a meditation teacher and speaker.
For more information please visit her website www.spirituallyawareliving.com

Want to uncover where you need the most energy alignment?
Take her new Energy Alignment Quiz to identify which of your energetic worlds (mind, body, heart or spirit) needs aligning the most!

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Welcome To Showing Up Whole

Christina

Hello everyone, and welcome back to Showing Up Whole, the place where we discuss alignment in mind, body, heart, and spirit in every aspect of our lives. And today we are talking about the aspect of our lives that so many of us go through, and that is parenting and marriage and relationships, and possibly doing that at the interesting time of perimenopause in our lives, because that's what so many of us are doing. So, the the emotional times of us of us all. So we are talking with Rebecca Green, who is one of my very favorite people, and we are just gonna have so much fun on this conversation. Rebecca Green received her bachelor's degree in psychology and her master degrees in social work at the University of Buffalo. She is experienced in work as experience working as a therapist, a supervisor for families whose children have severe behavior problems. She was a stay-at-home mom for many years before diving back into work. She is a social worker, a blogger, a vlogger, a podcaster, an author. She lives at home with her husband, Seth, their son Max, who's also currently at university, their call, their daughters Ella and Lily, their cats, Faith and Joy, and their dog Tanner. And Rebecca's full house keeps her very, very busy. That she finds time and much joy in writing and loves connecting with the experts on her podcast, Winy Palooza, which I have been on and which is one of the most joyful spaces on the internet. So everyone, let us say hello to Rebecca. Oh my goodness, thank you so much. Hello, lovely. Oh my goodness, I'm so excited to be having a talk conversation with you. Finally, I've been on your podcast twice. Yes. And each time has been such a wonderful, exciting, vibrant conversation. I was like, her energy just needs to be online. I I need your energy here because we just have so much fun diving into this human stuff and this little stuff that makes up life. Life. I know. Life. Life. Okay, so let's talk a little bit whinypalooza.

How Whiny Palooza Got Its Name

Christina

You know what? I actually, this is where I want to start. Whiny Palooza. Whiny Palooza. Where did you come up with the name? Whiny Palooza.

SPEAKER_00

Oh my goodness. So I have to tell you, I have wanted to change the name. It's been 12 years. I've wanted to change the name, but like everybody knows the name. So it's hard. I don't really want that, right? I don't really want to start over because I feel like everybody knows the name. So when this all started when my kids were little and they were all whining all the time. And we always laughed. People would come over and they would notice on our dining room table there were always gifts lined up for the birthday parties that I was taking them to. And Seth was like, they're always whining, and we're always going to a birthday party. And he's like, it's like whinypalooza all over the place. And it just he was like, That's the name. Of course, Seth, my marketing expert husband, came up with it. And I told him, I'm like, it should be like, it should be like love and learning. It should be like something heart and soul. And he's like, No, you're keeping whiny.

Parenting Teens Through Constant Change

Christina

And so it is very successful. And quite honestly, I think it sums up so much about what we actually all experienced in those younger years. And now, you know, your so now your kids are teenagers. Now, now what am I looking at? 13.

SPEAKER_00

So Lily's the baby, Lily's 13, Ella's 16, and Max is 18. And Max just went to college, as you know.

Christina

Yes, but the listeners do not. And yes, this was an emotional. And so, okay, so so how are you with the chapters of parenting? I have to, you know, like full disclosure, like you know, I was a parent coach, I I did the parent coaching, and then all of a sudden, when all three of mine hit a plateau of being moving into, you know, I guess it was when my son was about 13, 14, so he's my youngest, all of a sudden I went, okay, you know what? I actually need to take a step back from parenting coaching, because actually I need to see actually how this actually works out. Because it's been good so far. And then the hormones started to fly, and all of a sudden it felt like right, okay. Um, I'm gonna now focus on my own nervous system and my own stuff. So therefore, my business turned that direction as well. Because the next chapter of parenting. So not the maybe does whinypalooza still fit?

SPEAKER_00

You're you're saying, does the title still fit or does what I'm doing still work?

Christina

Well, no, does the title still fit when you consider teenage years? Because I know a lot of the listeners are right now facing their 12, 13, 14.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, it should be moody. Seth, if you're listening to this, it should be moody palooza. It's moody paloza. No, they're not whining anymore. When they were little, there was lots of whining, and we actually make a joke. Like I remember, I remember Max like laying on the floor about his cut on his foot. And I remember him having such a fit about the cut on his foot. And and Ella, I think it was Ella who was like, It's whiny Palooza all over the place. So it became this little like joke in my family. It was quite the coping strategy that we would use, and that's adorable. But I would say, like, the name could serve they're not whining anymore. Now, mind you, people that I talk to and work with still have whining kids. Yeah, so it works for families, but for me personally, for my life, they're not whining anymore. No, they're just moody, they're just moody, they're just moody.

Christina

So, how has that affected your journey? Because I find parenting one of the most phenomenal self-development journeys as you and and I think the thing that it always teaches us, uh, and if you have more than one kid, that this definitely shows up that you don't freak out at every chapter. You don't think every chapter is a chapter, it's not the full story. So you are definitely now in a new chapter, and now with Max in college, this is another new chapter. So, how are you finding peace with the chapters? Do you find that that's the stretch of this? That it actually because that's what it taught me. Nothing, everything is temporary.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, so I have this expression that helps my husband and I. And it just came out of my mouth one day, and I said to him, We're growing up with our kids. So we're growing up as parents. So we're adults, but we were we were ex not experts, but we were really good at the little kids, and then we got better at the bigger kids and the teenagers, and now we're learning how to parent a kid in college. So I feel like we just grow up with them as parents, and you know, and I tell Max, I have apologized to Max. I mean, he is such a good person for this job, but he's our guinea pig.

Christina

Yes, I tell my we tell our eldest that too.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, you know that. I mean, we're learning with Max teaches us so much at every stage because he goes first, and Ella gets the best of us because we learn it with Max, and then we know better for Ella. And then we get to Lily and we're a little tired, and we're like, Oh, we have to do this again. So at least I'm aware of it. But Lily's having a great life, she's living her best life, so no worries about Lily.

Christina

That's and honestly, I think that the third child often, I mean, my son will totally happily say that he came as the third because he knew he would actually receive that version of us. He was like, Yeah, you know, you guys really let me be myself. Thanks for that. That's what I needed.

SPEAKER_00

It's probably a better, looser version. Like, I feel like Max gets the more uptight version. Sorry, Max.

Christina

That's fine. They are the ones that have to leave the nest first. So, you know, they have certain skills of being a little bit more independent, they show up in different ways, and then they still need us for other things. It's it's it's an interesting elastic band, right? Like it's that elastic band where you watch as they stretch out and then, but yeah, they do have to learn with they have to you, they have to get used to us learning.

SPEAKER_00

Yes, and it's not easy. I mean, I have talked to you a couple times when I was struggling, you know. I will say to Christina, like, how did you let them go to college? Yeah, I just you know, I wanted them all to go down the street to UB. Yeah, and they're all rejecting my plan. Max said no way. Ella is now saying no way, and Lily's saying, You know, I don't want to go to UB, Russia. Oh my god, none of you are gonna go down the street.

Christina

Yep. Oh, I know, I know. I'm I my the best I could do was making sure she didn't move five hours away and instead she's three hours away. And because she's in London, I also get to go see West End shows. So I made it really good for me.

SPEAKER_00

So oh my god, that so that is a re so that is a really good tip for parents because one of the coping strategies is that they're gonna go to places that I get to visit, so it makes it a little exciting for us, you know, like it's it's uh an adventure, and we get to add stuff to our lives too.

Reclaiming Your Life As Kids Grow

Christina

Exactly. And I think that's I mean, I know that one of the things that definitely spurs me on. Spurs me on, I think that's the right way to say this. But you know, like I I was raised where you know, we had the family home, my mom loved being a mom, she was very focused on being a mom, everything kept the same running, whether I was there or not. So there was a sense of stability, um, and there's a sense of consistency in that. And as a mom, maintaining that freaks me out. I go, I go, sorry, actually, now it's my turn. Now it's my life, and actually I need to kind of break the box. I can't, I can't maintain this at a certain point. Now I waited, we waited until our son was, I guess, 15, until I finally broke the box, but it was finally like actually, I cannot be heating empty rooms and be wandering. Like, I'm not heating empty rooms.

SPEAKER_00

I I think that that's healthy though. I think what you're doing is a natural progression.

Christina

I I'd like to think so. I definitely know it's the progression that I had to do. So, because because I think that's the thing. I think it breaks my heart when I see so many people feel like they're on their life progression, they have kids, they raise their kids, and we're we're parents for 20 years, like pretty much 20 years. You know, when you add in pregnancy, when you add in all this stuff, it's like 20 years. So the neural pathways become about nourishment, it becomes about taking care of other people, and in that, the natural progression is putting ourselves on the sidelines, right? Yes, yes. And all of a sudden it's like, well, how do we actually re-there? And of course, 20 years later, our neuroplasticity, if we're not careful, has is not as stretchy. It's but we're in habits, so actually changing that is actually a bit of a scary thing. So yeah, we don't have necessarily the support systems or enough conversation around, okay, so now that chapter is done. What are you doing next? So instead, it turns into this thing where all of a sudden parents lose their spark for life because it's like, well, my job is done. I guess I'm just facing retirement. I'm basically just gonna do this, and I'm just holding the same pattern. And maybe people come back at Christmas or holidays or something, and you go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, no. This is this is your spotlight, this is your chapter, this is when it's time to really grab life force. Sorry, I went on a little bit of a tirade. I just have a little passionate. Yeah, no, I I agree with you. It's it's an exciting time, you know, it's a time to have romance and to get back to getting to know your partner, apart from like little snippets of conversation at the dinner table when you can't get two words in straight.

SPEAKER_00

Oh my gosh, the amount of interruptions. It's gonna be very strange. It's gonna be very strange when we can actually like have a deep conversation and not be interrupted. I think it's gonna be very strange.

Christina

It takes a little bit of time to reprogram your brain to actually know that you actually have time to express a thought rather than I need to get this out as fast as possible.

SPEAKER_00

Oh my god, totally, totally. We're like, we're like in the middle of it, and they're like, by the way, such and such is due tomorrow. Can you help me? And I'm like, oh my god, okay, stop. What were what were we talking about?

Christina

Or it's the by the way, did you hear about so and so? And you're like, wait, what? No, okay, this actually has nothing to do with me.

SPEAKER_00

Oh my goodness. You know, I love I love a busy full house, but you know, they go to school, like Seth goes to work, my kids go to school, and then I have five or six hours for me to do my work and my list of things. And when they come home, sometimes it's a big adjustment for me to get into the chaos of them being home. So I do have the peace and quiet during the day that I'm used to.

Christina

Yeah. So out of curiosity, do you find that has changed for you over the last few years? That that sense of needing time to adjust to the chaos again. I find that's a fascinating thing. I can't track whether that's perimenopause or if that's just the natural stretch of kids getting older where you kind of go, Oh, actually, now it's time for my space. But it does, I know that you're nodding your head, just if anyone on audio only. Oh, yeah. Sorry.

SPEAKER_00

No, that's fine. I have to actually use words. So for me, I didn't used to value peace and quiet. I don't think that I needed, I don't think that I thought that I needed it. Um, it kids were home. I mean, my kids were home all day, and I was just used to constant chaos, like constant, like you just go as a mom nonstop. And then they all went to school, and then gradually over the years, I learned that I really valued my time. Um, but that was not right away. That has changed over the years for sure.

Christina

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Why Rebecca Started Podcasting

Christina

So okay, total switch of gears. What made you start a podcast?

SPEAKER_00

Oh, you know, that husband of mine. So so for those of you who don't know, uh everybody doesn't know. Um, Seth has a marketing business and he also does a ton of pot, he produces a ton of podcasts with his BMD publishing business. So he always comes home with ideas for me. So it started with, honey, all the writing that you're doing is a blog, and me going, what is a blog? Then it turned into, honey, I think that you should be doing a vlog talking about your blogs. What is a vlog? Okay. I didn't know what any like he just always knows what's up and coming because of the business that he's in. So then he's like, Um, what was next? Probably the podcast. He's like, You would be a great podcast host. We'll have on parenting and marriage experts. You'll be great at talking to them with your background. It's gonna be great. And I was like, What do you want me to do now? Like, he just comes home with all of these ideas, and he's like, By the way, um, you're all your stuff is being put into a book. I'm like, book now, we're doing a book. He's like, Yeah, and you need to edit it all. And I'm like, Oh my god, like it's always something. And like it's kind of exciting. Like, I do need to come up with some of my own ideas. No, you know what?

Christina

Actually, I think that's brilliant. It's like and I mean, honestly, it'd be different if he wasn't your husband. Um, I mean, and for anyone who doesn't know, I know Seth really well as well. And honestly, the two of you are just like this, like this this bundle of love. Like, you guys are just wonderful together, and you're so caring, and you're so and and I think I've told both of you how excited I am for both of you as you do head into that next chapter when everyone's older, because you guys just have such a loving connection, and if it's coming from a loving connection of all these really good ideas, you well, you basically function as one anyway.

SPEAKER_00

Oh my gosh, we you know what it's an interesting team. Like, I love working with him. We have had conversations like I see a future of more work with him, you know. We like to work, we like to do things together, and it works out really well. So I see more of that happening.

Christina

I definitely agree. So, you know, having him being the idea generator and you providing like working on them, it makes sense. It's it's two halves of a whole, yeah. Okay, you know, we're talking about parenting, but we also are slightly talking about

Marriage Fights Pause Before You Speak

Christina

marriage. What uh what is your takeaways with marriage? Like, what are the lessons that you've had from marriage? Oh my gosh, it's not something actually I talk about very often on this podcast.

SPEAKER_00

Like, yeah, I mean, so I so what what you I've never told you this, but back in the day before children when we were getting all the families to work with, the therapist would be like, Oh, marital issues, give it to Rebecca. Didn't want they didn't want the like the like thick marital stuff. And I love marriage, like I love helping couples connect, I love helping couples work things out, and I try to practice what I preach. I don't always do that when emotions are hot, but I do my best. Um, I have learned so much about marriage. I've been with Seth over 20 years, 21 years. And um, I think that would probably be my biggest takeaway is to take a moment so that you don't say things that you regret. So, like I can get very fiery. So I know that about myself. So I have learned over the years to take a breath, to take a pause. And and he's also learned that I might say to him, because Seth was like, we have to talk now, we have to talk now, we have to work this out right now. And I would be like, No, you don't want to. So he was the one who was like, We gotta work on this right this second. And I have learned, right? So I have learned about myself that I'm like, okay, honey, I'm really pissed right now. So we're gonna we're gonna come back together. I won't leave you hanging, we will work this out, but I have to get in a resourceful place. Isn't that funny?

Christina

Uh, you know what? That's have you ever heard the hypnotherapy uh school of thought that there are two different types of people? Have we talked about that? I think maybe I don't know that there's two different types of people. They they did this study in the hypnotherapy school out in California, and they realized that there's two different types of people that respond differently in conflict. There's the emotional type of person and there's the physical type of person, and it never fails, they always end up in a relationship together. Yeah, they were like, This is so weird. We always end up with the opposite. So the emotional person feels the conflict first, and it does, and they just feel it and are in that emotionary, emotional kind of fiery space or sad space, or they they feel it first, and they have to wait for the information to kind of process up to their head in order to actually talk through through things. That's me. That's you now. Then you have um then you have the other person who's physical, so they receive it intellectually first, yeah to figure it out first, and then afterwards, then they can process it emotionally. So, I mean, yeah, it it's fascinating.

SPEAKER_00

So, thankfully, I think that that is lovely that opposites attract because two of me would not like I feel like you don't want two emotional people, like not that Seth isn't emotional, he is a very sensitive guy, but he's much more intellectual and he thinks things through and wants to talk about the logic of it. And I'm like, you have to learn that, and he has learned over the last 20 plus years, my logic shuts down when I'm feeling something. Like, yes, I I can't be logical, yes, exactly.

Christina

No, and it's so funny because it's really important to know that this is not like um it's not gender-based, because in a relationship, like in uh my husband and I, we took the test because there is a test that you can take online, and I was like, please, we're so alike, we're totally gonna be the same. I'm sure we're the same. I was like, come on, and he was like, Yeah, we wouldn't be different. We're like, we're so alike. And then all of a sudden I learned more and I was like, Oh, okay. This is why he shuts down in a conversation, like in in conflict, because he's the emotional one, and I'm actually the physical one because I go in and go, I turn into like the peanut teacher, you know?

SPEAKER_00

Yes, yes. And he's like, I'm not there yet.

Christina

Yeah, and he's like, You're not making any sense. You are not words. Like, there is nothing there that is landing. And it used to, it used to be so I used to find it so frustrating because I'd be like, I don't understand like what's going on. And then when I actually started looking deeper into this study, I was like, oh, makes so much sense. Space. You need space. You need to go vent it out to someone else and then return it out. So yes. So that's what I started doing. I started venting. Unfortunately, sometimes it was my daughters who were older by that time. We're gonna take a quick break.

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Christina

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SPEAKER_00

Oh my

Love Languages And Feeling Loved

SPEAKER_00

gosh. No, I mean, I totally, I mean, every marriage is very when you talk to couples, you hear the same kind of stuff. Like I have talked to couples about the fact that I am such a service person. I'm always doing for everybody in my life. What can I do for you? Can I can I help you with this or help you with that? And Seth finally said to me, You know, I don't feel love that way. Like I know you're trying to do stuff for me, but he's like, that's not what I want from you. I want you to tell me. Like I want you to say, I appreciate you. I love you. Thank you for working so hard. He's like, I want to hear it from you. He's like, I don't care about all these chores that you're doing. Yeah. He's like, you could do less.

Christina

I would like you to do less. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. It's so funny when you dive into the love languages and how I know. Again, my husband is the same as you. He loves to do acts of service. That's his thing. It took me for years and years to actually kind of land. I remember something would upset me and I would start to cry. And suddenly he'd be in the kitchen for three hours cooking my favorite meal. And I'd be like, I'd be like, I know, but I've needed this space of I need a hug. I need a hug. Yeah. And finally I had to go into the kitchen and be like, okay, I get it now. I understand that you are doing this as a way of making me feel better. And I appreciate that. But while you do it, can you give me a?

SPEAKER_00

I know, I know, but we have to learn this stuff about our partner. Because for me, when I am sitting down and Seth is doing the dishes, do you know how loved I feel? I'm like, when you do things that I don't have to do, I feel so much love.

Christina

That's so I know it's so interesting. That is so interesting because sometimes people get too far in their head about love languages, and they're like, Well, my receiving love language language is this, but my expression love language is this.

SPEAKER_00

And it gets so it's like having overcomplicate it. No, no, it's just, and and I also told him, like, he laughs at me, but the other thing is that he wants consistent, and I'm a woman, like, I don't mean to generalize, but like, I'm not always gonna want the same things, I'm not gonna always want to do the same things, so he's learned to be more flexible. We just have to keep growing with each other and learning about each other.

Christina

Yes, absolutely, and it does take a level of communication and uh and also a level of radar for lack of a better word. It's like acknowledging and and also I'd probably say not taking everything personally, yes, yes, that's which is always a really hard one because especially when relationships start off, we do take things personally because that's what we think the priority is, but it is actually a question of actually giving this person space of actually having their own autonomy. That was like I remember someone saying to me, it's like at a certain point, every single person in the family has their own autonomy. You do too. And I remember this landed really hard with me because it was like that's fascinating. I started firing myself from a lot of roles in my life after that. I was like, Oh yeah, okay, you know what?

SPEAKER_00

I like that we my autonomy, yes, yeah, like that firing ourselves. Oh, yes, yeah, I could be better at that.

Autonomy At Home And In Marriage

Christina

Um well, sometimes because I think that sometimes we get so stuck in again jumping back to parenting. I think we get so used to the things we do for kids and the things that we run around and the things that we, you know, and sometimes you actually have to say, Yeah, I'm firing myself from that. Actually, I'm done. I'm I'm actually no, this is this is outlived its contract on that. Well, and we're done.

SPEAKER_00

And the good the good thing about Lily is that Lily fires me. So Lily Children are so good at this. Oh my gosh, she is so independent, and she is like, I will do this myself, please go away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you kind of hit as a and then and then all of a sudden you go, hmm. Actually, I I have to tell you, there was a shift though. So you just landed on an important shift. I was sad, and then I was like, Oh, this is less work for me.

Christina

Yes, and something, you know, I think over time, and maybe this is like perimenopause as well, because I think when when we I think like I am not a sufferer of perimenopause in the sense that I see it as a new chapter, I see it as a a new frontier, I see it as something I'm curious about, I see it as something that has as challenges if I try to squash myself back into the way things were, but that's an evolvement. So I'm learning about what that means for me. But I do notice that suddenly um trying to keep track of everybody's stuff, you know. Um, we're we're just organizing large things for everyone else doesn't feel as in flow to me as it did when they were little.

SPEAKER_00

Well, yeah, because we're not we don't have to. We don't have to have to. No, there's a lot there's a lot less. I mean, when they're little, we're responsible for everything, and then and then I learn as they get older how capable they are. Yes, and and I keep stepping back with Max, like I I just cannot believe what he's doing on his own. I mean, everyone keeps applauding me, like that means you did a good job. And at first I was like, Oh, this is so sad, and now I stopped doing that, right? And now I'm like, he doesn't need me to do that. Like, he is a very capable kid, yeah, you know, yeah.

Christina

Well, because then you get to move on from they don't it it it's it's funny when it shifts to all of a sudden they don't need you, but they want you. All of a sudden it's like, yeah, let's hang out, you know. All of a sudden it's like, can we just have some fun? You know, it it was funny, like as a as a side note. I was just talking to my daughter, who, you know, she she she was just um she's feeling a little bombarded by a whole bunch of friends and a whole bunch of people. And she's like, I haven't had much time alone. I really need some time alone. And I was like, Well, what if you never spoke to this person again? She's like, Whatever. I was like, what about this person? She's like, I'm not today in this space, whatever. That's fine. I'm like, what about this person? She's like, Yeah, whatever. I was like, what about me? She's like, Oh no, then I'd be sad.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, they need their mom. You know what though? I still need my mom. I still need my mom. I tell my kids that I'm like, you know how old I am, and I still need my mom. Yeah, absolutely.

Christina

Well, something slots into place when you talk to them, right? Where all of a sudden you're like, oh, okay, actually. Um, it it's an interesting kind of stretch in that where you know you're also independent. And I wouldn't want my mom like to be carrying the weight of my life. Like if she's worried about, I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I know how to hold the container of my life. Um, but it's fun to talk and it's fun to connect. And I enjoy laughing with her and I enjoy, you know, communicating with her. And and so it's it it's it is interesting when you watch the it's kind of like passing on the ball of the responsibility, right? All of a sudden you had to hold the whole thing, and then all of a sudden you can pass it on or hold it on little bit by little bit, and then all of a sudden they got it. There's always some times where they go, actually, this is trained kind of heavy. Can I pass it back to you for a bit? And you go, Yep, I can do that for sure.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, yeah. Like I was gonna tell you, you know, I live near my parents. I don't know what your situation is.

Christina

Oh no, they're across the ocean.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, they are. Oh my goodness. So so my parents get still get phone calls, like I can't get to Lily. Can you please go get her? I mean, they're still like they're still in like in my everyday life. Like, I I mean, I still I can't I can't be everywhere.

Christina

Yep, absolutely, absolutely, and that it was interesting watching, like, that's why we have total phone-based conversations and then make it over there once or twice a year type thing, and thank God for video calls. So it's like, yeah, so it's a very different space for it to be in. Um, and I think the relationships take interesting turns with those types of things. Because again, it's relationships.

Parenting As Relationship Not Role

Christina

I remember someone saying to me, uh, we're I was in a conversation years and years ago, and we did kind of just land on the whole thing of like, well, parenting is actually a relationship, it's not like a role that we put on. And I it was like this kind of thing of going, oh, this is actually something totally different. This is something that we don't talk about. It's like the and that too, I think is true in marriage and relationships in that way. When there's actual relationships, I think we have a tendency to bring in these stereotypical roles of this is who I'm supposed to be in this. Yeah, it kills it, it kills it, it stops the whole thing because when you stop being a person in a relationship, something shifts.

SPEAKER_00

I'm just trying to learn and grow with these relationships as things do not stay the same. And I think that change is just like I I have learned to embrace change, and and I think that that's something that I have resisted in my life.

Christina

Yeah, I I know the feeling. I know the feeling, and also I think I think I I think what relationships, parenting and marriage has taught me is that I don't need to know things really fast. I think it's gotten it's it's given me again that autonomy card where you actually go, actually, you know what? I don't know what do you think? What do you know? What can you bring into the conversation? Which was not my natural tendency, you know.

SPEAKER_00

I yeah, because we want to fix everything and do everything. And I mean, I know, yeah, I know every mother is very similar, and learning to maybe bite our tongues and ask questions instead of giving is is a big shift.

SPEAKER_02

Yes.

SPEAKER_00

Do you have siblings? I have a younger brother who doesn't doesn't live here, he lives out of state, so okay, yeah, so he's not really around, but that means that you are the eldest, so therefore, then you have that kind of elder because I do find there's there's positionings, I hate stereotypes, I hate so much, but it's so it's so apparent where you kind of have that that like what we were saying about our eldest, where it's like that independent um space where they kind of were the guinea pigs.

Christina

So were you the guinea pigs for your parents?

SPEAKER_00

For sure. I think I I think I frustrated. I mean, I don't want to put words in his mouth, but I think I was probably frustrating because like I wanted to do everything people pleasing, I wanted to do everything in the right box to make, you know, I wanted my parents happy, I wanted everything calm and peaceful. So I was always trying to do the right thing, and that's hard for a youngest to deal with. Like, can you do something wrong? That's you know, I think that's how he probably felt, but um, so we were as opposite as opposite can be, and you know, just personalities are very interesting, and it it's fascinating.

Christina

Like, I find children's placements and children's relationships based on where they kind of come in, amazing, amazing, and seeing their differences and how they actually operate, fascinating. It's fascinating, yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Well, and and cool for me to watch because it would have been cool to not be the first child because my parents would say something and I would listen, like I didn't really know, right? Like I didn't even know to not listen. And you know, then someone like Corey or Lily comes around and they're like, I'm not doing that. Yeah, and it's kind of cool to watch, like you know, as frustrating as it can be to parent, you know, there's a lot of times that I'm like, good for Lily, like she has her own mind and she's strong and she's not me. Yeah, she's not me.

Christina

Yeah, well, and it's so funny because I think you're right. I think that like those are the things that from a parent's perspective, life's so much easier when you know you say jump and your kids say hi how how hi. It's like you go, okay, now you got this. Like, this is how we function, and then all of a sudden that other child comes in and you're like, What are you doing?

SPEAKER_00

I'm like, What do you mean? No, what do you mean?

Christina

This is how this will work.

SPEAKER_00

Uh, this is what's your idea? Oh my god, you know, but you you don't really want your kid to be like the perfect people pleaser, you want them to develop their own mind and have their own thoughts and absolutely, absolutely, and it's a funny thing because, like we said earlier, the the the eldest is the guinea pig.

Christina

So we're trying out the hey, you need to jump. They say how high. Then the next one comes in and goes, why? And we go, shoot, actually, I have no idea. That was good. That was good. I don't really know why. Why do you want me to do that? Um, because everybody else is jumping and we're supposed to jump, and we're not exactly sure why we're supposed to jump, but we're supposed to jump, and I'm the mom, so I said so. And then all of a sudden they look at you and go, That's stupid. And you go, Darn it, I know.

SPEAKER_00

Oh my gosh, yeah, I know. I told you, I told them all you're gonna go down this, you're gonna live at home, you're gonna go down the street to college, and each one has said no. And I'm like, you know what? Good for them.

unknown

Good for them. Good for them.

Christina

Oh, absolutely. And you know, the only thing you can do, I find, is keep open doors, cop open doors and open windows. And I don't just mean your own open door of like you can come home at any time. Um, it's also like, okay, so for instance, I know like when my eldest was like, I want to move out, like, you know, she was 22, no, 21. Um, she she didn't like the fact that we'd moved out into the country. She was like, I want to move out. I'm saving up money, actually. She had her own business. She was like, I'm saving up money, I'm gonna move out. And then she was like, I'm moving out and I'm gonna move all the way up to Birmingham. And this is like five and a half hours. And we're like, to do what? And this was not I'm gonna go to university. This was just moving out. And I was like, Okay. So then my husband and I started having a silent freak out as we kind of went, Oh my goodness, what does that even mean? Like five hours away, how do we even help her move? Like, this is like, what do we do with this? And then um, and then it turned into my husband randomly, and this is where, you know, uh like spiritual work and connecting to make sure you're listening to your heart really came in because out of nowhere he was like, So why don't you just try to go to university? And you know, you always want to go to London. Why don't you just try university? And she it was interesting to watch how her whole evolvement of like, no, I don't think I can do that, it's probably too late. I'm sure I'm like all of her negative chatter came out, and it was so interesting to watch this dynamic shift of like, what if we just offer this as a other potential for your benefit and also for ours?

SPEAKER_00

Oh my gosh, why can't they all just stay close to their parents? Oh boy, well, we know about the middle of the country. Yes, I know, I know, and and it's really kind of cool to hear what they want though, because my son was like, you know, I kind of want to spend some time in New York City, and I kind of want to spend some time in the country, and he's like, and I really want to figure out like what where do I like to live? Yes, he's like, you know, I'm gonna do some research in New York City, and then maybe I'll do something in the country. And he's like, I'm gonna figure myself out. And I was like, wow, like I love the exploration going on in his brain, like I love hearing what's going on, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Christina

Well, because also, you know, they are the evolution of us. Not that that's not to make us sound old because we're not, because we are in our new chapter and we are evolving ourselves, but they are the evolution of humanity, and that makes kind of like they have brand new ideas, they are the kids who have always had the internet, they have a global perspective, they also have the kind of concept of I can live the life I want. They understand limitations, but they also kind of go, I can work that around this. I'm sure I can find a way of working around this. Oh, so come in all these very creative ways where we go, we're still a little bit more linear of like, well, how does that work? What does that look like? You know, what what's the logic there in some ways? So it's fascinating to watch their the way they process information and the way that they can imagine their brand new reality for themselves. It's exciting.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, it's fun to it's fun to watch. I would like to keep them within driving distance at least, but that's a whole nother conversation.

Christina

That's a whole other thing, yes. And then otherwise we have to get like pilot licenses.

SPEAKER_00

You know whatever, it's so fascinating talking to mothers though. Like if you talk to all the moms in your life, you know, a lot of us have kids going off to school in my life, and some of them are like, oh no, they know they're living at home and they're going to this school, and that's what we can afford, and that's their choice, that's all that they can do. And some moms are like, Oh, yeah, they could go to California, they can go wherever they want to go. And then you have Seth and I going, Um, well, we're gonna take California off the table if you could stay on this side of the country. Fair enough, fair enough.

Christina

It's like let's see what we're all can work with, let's do this as a team.

SPEAKER_00

Every, but every family has their own rules, thoughts, money. Like everyone, it's really fun for me as a social worker to hear what's going on in all the houses and all the theatre, right? It's interesting. Absolutely.

Family Values Ignore Outside Pressure

Christina

Okay, so out of curiosity, in order to, oh now I want to go two different directions. Well, because that means that if every single person has uh their own set of values, their own experiences, their own kind of flavor to their house. And yet we live in a world where everyone's kind of told and pressured to function in a certain way of values and a certain way of being. So that is a lot of pressure there. What would be your top tip to help people listen to their own unique family value?

SPEAKER_00

Oh my god, I say, okay, so I will tell you, I will say, who the heck cares? Who cares what anyone else thinks? Who cares what your parents think? Who cares what your next door neighbor thinks who cares? What do you think? Get in touch with what you think, what is good for you and your family, and know that what is best for each child and each family is individual. So I know that I have to work out in my house, in my four walls, what works for my family. And I don't care what the Joneses are doing. Like, say to yourself, who cares?

Christina

Brilliant. Brilliant. Okay. Now then we run into the situations, kids are going to school, all of a sudden they then they're dealing with their peers who, you know, usually 13, they usually care. How are you helping your kids understand that?

SPEAKER_00

Well, so my kids have always known that we have always taught them that every family has unique circumstances. Okay. And Seth and I have also talked to them about um, not just my kids, but my friends, you don't know what's going on behind closed doors. So you may think that someone has the perfect marriage, the perfect family, the perfect kids, but I promise you they don't. So my kids know that we don't really know what's going on. And all that they need to know what's going on is what's going on here. So, you know, like for example, um, so and so's parents let them go to Florida. Okay, okay. Do you know your mother? Do you know your mother? So, what works for your family? Do you think that your mother wants you to go to Florida? Okay, because she wants you to go a couple hours away where she can get to you easily. Like every parent, they know they know what we're like, they know what our financial situation is, they know that they they have to work out what works for our family. They have definitely been in on all the conversations, so they've learned that's brilliant.

Christina

I love that. I know I I I uh we've always been an open book around here because everyone spends as homeschoolings, everyone's always there. Remember that interrupting conversation that might as well be there. But um it it's honesty is so important. Kind of trying to keep this veil around what's really happening and teach treat kids like they can't actually be part of that conversation, it creates so many misunderstandings.

SPEAKER_00

No, and they need to know what's going on, and they need to know that you're not like you know, like if you have endless funds for whatever your kids want to do, then I am so happy for you. I wish that I could say that. And you know, my my parents worry, they're like, why are you letting them pick whatever school they want? Like, you have to like drive the bus as to what you can afford. So, you know, I think that I I have to be in tune with myself too. I just want parents to know, like, think about what is really best for your child. So for me, it's best for me to keep them right here, but what is best for them? Okay, so I'm trying to be as selfless as I can. Yeah. And I want them to be able to create the life that they want. So I just want us to keep in check like, are we doing this for us or are we doing this for them? Like, we don't want them to go, you know, Seth went to Syracuse and we just toured and he just took Ella on a tour of Syracuse. Now we have to make sure Seth can't steer Ella to Syracuse because he went there. Like we just have to keep ourselves in check about things like that.

Christina

Yep. Yep. Such a Gilmore girl moment. Sorry.

unknown

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00

I just, you know, you and you know as well as I do that I have three kids that are very different, and your kids are probably so different. So every journey is going to be unique. So I'm just kind of learning what is best for each child.

Christina

Absolutely.

Fear Letting Go And Self Care

unknown

Yeah.

Christina

And within that, you mentioned really listening to yourself. Do you find that by listening to yourself and keeping taking good care of yourself that you actually get a deeper intuitive pull of what's good for them?

SPEAKER_00

Oh my gosh, a hundred percent. Yes, yes. What's going on for you in this moment is something that I have said to myself. And it's a lot of it's fear, a lot of it's fear. It it always comes down to fear and and being afraid of like letting go and what's next, and you know, just knowing that it's gonna be okay, telling yourself it's gonna be okay, they're gonna be okay, you're gonna be okay.

Christina

Yeah, absolutely. And it's amazing how so often, because even in that, we can think in the fear state, well, what do I need? What do I need? What do I need? And the fear mind will jump in, being like, Well, we need to tie them up and actually keep them at home nonstop, because really uh who knows what's out there. Yes, because but then that's actually not what you need when you actually dive deeper into yourself and actually ask, say, what's really going on here, then it turns into okay, yeah. So that's the fear talking. All right, so then what would be best for them? What is actually for them? And then within that, what's best for me?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

Christina

I love that. I love that exactly that's amazing. Okay, just before we end, one tip that you would love everybody to hear for the umbrella of all of this. What would be the thing that you think people really need to focus on and the takeaway that you'd like them to have?

SPEAKER_00

I mean, I think that we get so focused on our kids and maybe what they're doing wrong, what they need, what they want, and we're not focused enough on ourselves. Okay. So, what I have learned as a mom, and what I'm trying to teach every single mom is that if we focus on ourselves, our nervous system, our our like what is going on with us, why are we reacting like this? If we focus on ourselves and we keep ourselves in a good state, we're better for everybody in our life.

Christina

100%. Absolutely. I totally agree. Yeah, okay.

Where To Find Rebecca Green

Christina

Let's send everyone to your way. Everyone needs to check out your pet podcast, everyone needs to check out your website. You have books. Let's make sure that everybody knows where you are.

SPEAKER_00

Well, and whinypalooza is spelled funny, so we'll put it somewhere. Well, it will be in the show notes. It's yeah, we kind of spelled it funny, but it's whinyplooza.com. The books are on Amazon. There's two books, and I don't know, can they see? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're on because they can see. I'm just gonna show you. This is what one of them looks like. And um, okay, so the books, the website, and the podcast. Go check out the whiny Plooza podcast, and there's two episodes with Christina, so go listen to hers. If you like this conversation, you can listen to two more. Two more. It was so much, and this was just as fun. Yes, it's so much fun. I know, because I could talk to you all the time.

Christina

We just need to move closer, right? Oh my gosh, we do. We really do. Hey, thank you so much for coming on. Everyone, go check out Rebecca's beautiful work and we will talk to you again soon.

SPEAKER_00

Thank you so much. Thank you.