Showing Up Whole

Unlocking the Power of Connection: Transform Your Life with Dr. Adam Dorsay

• Christina Fletcher/ Adam Dorsay • Season 4 • Episode 25

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In today’s episode, Christina is joined by Dr. Adam Dorsay, a leading psychologist and executive coach from Silicon Valley.
 Together they dive into the power of connection and its transformative effect on mental well-being.
Discover how you can break free from habitual thinking patterns and step into a life filled with deeper connection and fulfilment.

Dr. Dorsay, author of the best-selling book Super Psyched: Unleash the Power of the Four Types of Connection and Live the Life You Love, shares his insights on how connection is not only essential for mental health but a catalyst for personal growth. 

Key Takeaways:

  • The 4 Types of Connection: Learn the foundational ways we connect with others and ourselves.
  • The Importance of Self-Connection: Discover how building a positive relationship with yourself can spark transformation in other areas of your life.
  • Navigating Technology & Connection: How to overcome challenges presented by social media and use technology to build more authentic, fulfilling relationships.
  • Setting Intentions with Impact: We discuss how setting heart-centered intentions can pave the way for personal growth and well-being.

Listen in for an inspiring conversation that emphasizes the need for connection, within your relationships, your society and your own personal self. 

Tune in now to transform your approach to connection and experience the power it has to elevate your well-being!

Dr. Adam Dorsay is a licensed psychologist and executive coach in Silicon Valley where he works with high-achieving adults. Adam is the host SuperPsyched, an award-winning podcast with over 200 episodes available on all platforms. He has given two highly regarded TEDx Talks: one about men and their emotions and the other about friendship in adulthood. His new bestselling book Super Psyched: Unleash the Power of the 4 Types of Connection and Live the Life You Love is now available at Amazon and Barnes & Noble.


For more information please visit his website: www.dradamdorsay.com
Or connect via his

Christina Fletcher is a Spiritual Alignment coach, energy worker, author, speaker and host of the podcast Showing Up Whole.
She specialises in practical spirituality and integrating inner work with outer living, so you can get self development off of the hobby shelf and integrated as a powerful fuel to your life.

Through mindset, spiritual connection, intuitive guidance, manifestation, and mindfulness techniques Christina helps her clients overcome overwhelm and shame to find a place of flow, ease, and deep heart-centered connection.
Christina has been a spiritual alignment coach, healer and spiritually aware parent coach for 7 years and trained in Therapeutic Touch 8 years ago. She is also a meditation teacher and speaker.
For more information please visit her website www.spirituallyawareliving.com

Want to uncover where you need the most energy alignment?
Take her new Energy Alignment Quiz to identify which of your energetic worlds (mind, body, heart or spirit) needs aligning the most!

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Christina Fletcher:

Hi and welcome back to Showing Up Whole the place where we discuss alignment in mind, body, heart and spirit in every aspect of our lives. Today is our first episode of 2025, and I am so excited to wish you all a very happy new year. We are starting the year off strong with a powerful conversation with Dr Adam Dorsey. Dr Adam is a licensed psychologist and an executive coach in Silicon Valley, and I had the pleasure of talking to him just before the end of the year. Adam works with high-achieving adults, including professional executives, entrepreneurs and professional athletes, all in the Silicon Valley. Adam is the host of Super Psyched. You may have heard of it. It's an award-winning podcast with over 200 episodes available on all platforms. I recommend you check it out and he is the author of the book of the same name.

Christina Fletcher:

In today's conversation, adam is here to discuss his new best-selling book, super Psyched Unleash the Power of the Four Types of Connection and Live the Life you Love and he'll be sharing insights on living your best life with tools, all about connection with yourself and the world around you. Hello, adam, it's great to have you on the show. I'm so excited to have you here and we are discussing your book, super Psyched. This is a fantastic offering. I have to say, your book is truly delightful. It really dives deeply into the four aspects of connection, and I would like to know more about how you got to this book, how you discovered it, and a little bit more about connection for yourself. So why don't you give us a little bit of insight about how you discovered these processes, your work and how this came to be?

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

Christina, I'm happy to answer that and I'm so glad to be with you and to share this with your audience. I have wanted to write a book and I've started a few others, but this was the only one I actually finished because I had to, and that says something about the topic that it really really meant something. It's one thing to start a thing, it's another thing to finish that thing. To borrow a quote from Irv Yalom, one of the great thinkers in modern psychology, a Stanford professor, he said that every book he ever wrote and excuse the language bit him in the ass. And this book bit me in the ass in that, after about 20,000 hours of conducting therapy with clients and after nearly 250 episodes on my podcast and reading tons of books, the common linchpin between everything I've been hearing has been this word called connection. Except it's nebulous. Everybody wants connection. It seems to be the precursor for everything we want.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

And if you think about it for a second, on the opposite end, disconnection is generally associated with all the things we don't want. If you look through the DSM, which is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual that's used in mental health to describe mental illnesses, virtually all of them have a strong component of disconnection. Anxiety is disconnecting from the present because you're thinking about the future. Depression is disconnection from the present because you're thinking about the past, ruminating Trauma we dissociate from and depersonalize. And hard, severe mental illness, like psychosis, schizophrenia, is characterized by disconnecting from the present because you're having a break from reality itself. So if disconnection is at the heart of what we don't want and connection is at the heart of everything we do want, how come there isn't a book describing all the ways we connect? There are books on connecting with your partner, there are books on connecting with your clients and with your children, but there's so much more on the table, and so I worked on defining what connection was.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

I came up with a working definition, spoiler alert it's feeling alive, it's coming, it's a sense of it's life force. You know it when you feel it. You hear a speaker who connects with you and you're just like, oh my gosh, I am hearing things I've never heard in my life and my body is just responding. My brain is responding. It's like a full body. Yes, could happen when you hear music. It could happen when you engage in activity that you've never been a part of. It could be when you go someplace like Stonehenge and feel like, oh my gosh, this has been around for you know thousands of years and we don't even know where it came from and how did they do it, and it's like feeling a sense of awe.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

So the four ways that we connect are with ourselves and if you can imagine it rippling outwards like four concentric circles, uh, connecting with ourself is the primary connection. It informs all of our other connections. If we're not, to your point, kind of authentically connected, we miss out on everything. And in fact, there are even studies that indicate that we're less strong when we're exerting energy, when we're not authentic. I mean, imagine walking through life with shoes that are three sizes too small Are you really going to be able to exert your best stuff? And similarly, when we say something that's fundamentally untrue and we're trying to exert energy, we're not going to be at our strongest.

Christina Fletcher:

I noticed in your book you talked a little bit about muscle testing and that actual like physical which is such a fantastic indicator of kind of that inner connection.

Christina Fletcher:

And I'm really glad, just I was really relieved when I sat with your book and your first part was all about connecting to yourself. Because as soon as we hear connection, we immediately do go, and even in your examples you mentioned, well, connection to your friends, to your partner, to your clients, that it feels like psychologically that's where we go. We have a tendency to think, oh, connection, well, connection to other people, and then when you say, well, that's actually how you live your most fulfilling life is through connection, for some people that can feel really alienating because it's like, so do I have to go out and connect to others? We're really the fact that you start off with connection to yourself, I was well relieved.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

I was like, okay, there it is, yeah, and I like to think of myself as an extrovert who's learned new introversion tools because, let's face it, the world of the introvert is really powerful. I used to be in a dog person exclusively, and having cats actually taught me how to be a little bit more introverted. And marrying a woman who identifies as an introvert and seeing the benefits of her world, I have become more of an ambivert. I really value both. So connecting with ourselves is the primary, but then we go outwards, connecting with others, like connecting with my wife, connecting with my children, connecting with you, connecting with my pets. These are others, and I included pets very intentionally as an other no-transcript.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

They experience awe, and one of the things that we've been really researching is the effects of awe on the brain. Awe, as it turns out, is like gratitude on steroids, and theologians like Abraham Joshua Heschel talk about radical amazement seeing something like a sunset and seeing it as if you're seeing it for the first time, or doing that with my wife. I've been with her for 22 years and it's my job to not habituate to the stimulus, to not think of her as like, oh, I've seen her a million times, whatever, but to see her new every day and say the miracle of getting to be with such an incredible person and and seeing her with those those eyes and constantly hitting the refresh button. But awe is a really interesting phenomenon. I'm just going to say one little piece on it just to give people a teaser as to why they need to geek out to it.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

When people are experiencing awe and they are put under neuroimaging, the same neurological receptors that take in psilocybin, the psychoactive component to magic mushrooms magic mushrooms yeah, we can call it that which have been showing some promise. I'm not they're illegal, but they are showing promise under controlled studies at Johns Hopkins for helping people with very hard conditions like severe trauma. We don't need to do psilocybin necessarily to gain the benefits. All we need to do is experience awe, and the book describes some of the ways we can experience that. There are other books that are fantastic, I think, actually you mentioned the Power of Awe by Michael Apster.

Christina Fletcher:

I think you, we, actually I had him on the podcast a little bit.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

Oh, no way. He's a great colleague and somebody whose work I love.

Christina Fletcher:

Yeah, me too. I was reading your book I was like, hey, there's the Power of Awe, I know that. That's so cool, I'd say, there was something really interesting that I noticed in the book and I'd just be really curious about why you divided it in these ways, because you had beauty in the section about the world and awe in the section about spirituality. Why the difference? Why did you actually? Did I just yeah, not really.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

It wasn't something that I deliberately separated. Yeah, and these could be transposed, no problem yeah beauty can be a spiritual experience. Um, but just for the sake of simplicity, I I suppose I kept them apart, but it wasn't, wasn't a conscious, like binary extraction.

Christina Fletcher:

I was like there's something in there that I'm missing, because I love to use beauty as the universal language of spirituality in so many ways. You know, you can't argue something of beauty. It doesn't become philosophically debatable. You know, a sunset is beautiful too. I've never heard anyone say one is ugly. You don't actually get that in that space.

Christina Fletcher:

So it's a fascinating thing to actually bring that round to the state of connection and actually use that as all of these micro moments that people take for granted as times of connection. So so, going into the book and going into the process of connection, do you encourage people to find on a daily basis Like? Is this like a prescription of like? Find your connection in each one of these elements and then you will, you know, find balance. Is this like something that actually people can integrate? How do you suggest people integrate this into their life?

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

I suggest they look at one element at a time. I found that the old axiom of chase two rabbits get neither is true. So what you want to do is basically look at one area and one thing at a time in your crosshairs, like maybe like many of us, you are attracted to that little blue light of the smartphone in your pocket and find yourself wasting and I'm going to use that word, wasting hours being consumed by social media. One of my axioms is, you know, don't use social media, Don't let social media use you. Use it and use it for a prescriptive amount of time, and be conscious about how you allocate your time. So, for each of us, we are not zeroing in on the things that really give us a huge return on our investment of time.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

Maybe there's a guitar that's been stored away up in your attic for years that you need to re-engage. Perhaps there's an old friend who you need to call and you know who you feel a little bit, maybe a little bit odd about reaching out to because it's been so long, but reinvigorate that relationship. Maybe it's really dialing into your relationship with your romantic partner and saying you know what? We have not been investing enough time. Maybe we go out and do dance classes together. Connection is different for every single person. I'm not suggesting that everybody, uh, you know, do something prescriptive, but rather lean into one thing at a time and uh, see what they, what they, what joy, what aliveness they. See what they, what they, what joy, what aliveness they each of these brings to your life.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

So, okay, a couple of questions in that I always get split roads in questions.

Christina Fletcher:

I have the same phenomenon by the way it's like oh my gosh, I want to ask both of these questions simultaneously. Yes, exactly, they're there, they're there, let's just first stop, okay, how do they know? How do they know which one? Because when someone is disconnected, they're disconnected. That flow, that knowledge, that self, even observation, that self-awareness, can sometimes go incredibly quiet. What's the first step?

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

The first step is just really asking yourself not to get overwhelmed with this decision. Almost anything you choose will be fine. I don't know if you remember that scene in the Wizard of Oz, when I think it was the I think it was the straw man who says go this way, where he's pointing both directions, anything will be fine. Go this way where you're pointing both the right, you know it's, anything will be fine. Don't be overwhelmed by the. You know the as kind of Barry uh, barry, my God, I'm suddenly forgetting his last name Um, barry Schwartz talks about the paradox of choice, that we can become overwhelmed. We can have a parallel or paralysis through analysis. Choose one and just you know.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

Maybe it's that you want to write in your journal, maybe it's that you want to make more time, uh, outside and experiencing more photons from the sun and and getting more of that because you might have some seasonal effectiveness, or it doesn't matter what it is, it's, it's just do something, that, on the other side of it, you say to yourself okay, that felt good, and if that doesn't yield it for you, try something else. But be open to just try something rather than just being caught up in the daily habits. One of the things that neuroscientists know is that we have several thousand thoughts a day. Some say 6,000, some say 60,000, but most of our thoughts yesterday are pretty much the same thoughts we have today. And one of the things this book is aiming to do is, you know, arrest that just habitual nonsense that we get into, that where day has become years and we're doing the same thing over and over and we become more calcified over time.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

What this book is aiming to do is break down some of the calcification by trying something, either new or old, that you haven't been doing lately, to arrest that cycle and bring something new into your life, and it could be engaging in gratitude practices, it could be moving your body. It could be moving your body, it could be moving your brain, it could be engaging more openly with the pets in your life, the children in your life, and the book describes all of these exercises that people can do, but it's not prescriptive in saying this is what connection should look like for you. Everyone has a different connection formula and I imagine that you and I have some overlap between our connection formulas and some areas of difference where we'd be like, wow, so you're into that, that's cool.

Christina Fletcher:

Which so? Therefore, then you wouldn't suggest they start for, like in the book it starts with the connection of yourself, would you suggest? That if they're in that wide range, and I love the fact that we're actually doing this talk at the beginning of the year. And my mother actually has allowed this to actually, you know, actually record it before the beginning of the year, so we can actually talk about using this kind of concept, as if we're going to set intentions for the new year, and I am about intentions rather than resolutions.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

But, by the way, the book, if there was one word associated with it, would be the word intentional or intentional.

Christina Fletcher:

Yes, if there was one word associated with it would be the word intention or intentional. Yes, exactly that's what I'm totally passionate about, because it's it's not about, you know, oh, resolutions or goals or you know, that forceful kind of heavier intent focus. It's more the intentional flow. It's just setting the intention and allowing that to be is is a more powerful state. So if that was the case, would it be an idea for them to work through the book of actually starting with themselves?

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

It would be my sense that that is the place to start, because oftentimes the other connections it's almost like the 80-20 principle, like just doing a little bit of that will yield so many rippling effects. Yeah, where am I not connecting with myself? How am I not attending to, perhaps, my sleep in a way that allows me to be more awake during the day? How am I not attending to various things that I know will charge me so that others will benefit? It's not a narcissistic pursuit. Hurt people, hurt people, and people who feel good inside often bring more goodness to an engagement.

Christina Fletcher:

I'm really glad to hear you say that, because that is something that so often gets filtered in, that this concept of working on yourself seems narcissistic or egotistical. You have worked in some really fascinating fields over the years. You know Silicon Valley really. You know big movers and shakers as I should. I say it's from from what I can tell.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

For sure, there was a parade of those folks coming to my office.

Christina Fletcher:

Yeah, Out of curiosity over and I mean this is a spance of you know quite a few years. Do you find that it's changed, that people's sense of connection has changed? I mean this is an expanse of you know quite a few years. Do you find that has changed, that people's sense of connection has changed? I mean we talk about smartphones. I know you talk a lot about them in the book. Technology has increased. What is connection looking like from a span of your career?

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

Great question Okay, so when I started, I came into becoming a psychologist later in life. I worked in the corporate sphere in the? U and Japan for a number of years and I remember around 2008, the very first time MySpace showed up in my office.

Christina Fletcher:

I remember MySpace, oh yeah.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

And then, shortly thereafter, it was of course Facebook, and Facebook, of course, won the day. But I think that, while Facebook may have won the day, I think that its users may have lost the day, because with Facebook and other and I'm not anti Facebook I think that using it well and using it judiciously, intentionally, can be actually very good. Big fan of social media if we are the users and not just the consumers of it. So, but I remember hearing somebody feeling edged out of a friend group on MySpace and I was thinking this is dorky, this is like what. What are we even talking about? This isn't even real.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

And then suddenly it became real and various disconnectors started showing up. The big one has been social comparison and FOMO. We for sure know that our brains are wired to look at what we have versus what another person has and to feel diminished when the other person's stuff seems to be bigger than ours. And there's no better incubator than Facebook for that, because we see people on vacation, living their best life, crushing it. You know, super mom, I'm doing everything, I'm doing all the things and I'm excelling at all of them is what we think, except for the fact that behind the scenes, it's just an image.

Christina Fletcher:

Or they're fighting with their kids and fighting with their spouse and everybody's miserable.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

We just don't know about this. And I'm not anti, that I like sharing lovely photos of you know, things that I'm delighted about and hoping people will either. You know, feel a sense of, of there's a word called Freud, and Freud rather than schadenfreude, but feeling taking pleasure in my pleasure, and I do take pleasure in various people's pleasure, and it's very important that we not compare ourselves to others, that we override our tendency to do that. Our brains, our social brains, have been wired to do that throughout the millennia for our survival, but now it's harming us more than ever.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

We're less connected than ever and since that first day that I described about my space showing up, people have been reporting less quality friendships and that marriages seem more frayed than ever. And that it that marriages seem more frayed than ever and that the common denominator in the household that connect families seems less, uh, less tight than before. Um, because everybody, you just all you need to do is go to a restaurant and you see a family of four and everybody was on their freaking device and that's not great, no, no, and people don't know how to have conversations. We're not taught that in school. How do we have big talk rather than small talk, and one of the things this book talks about is how to do that so that your conversations around your family table or with your friends aren't just about. You know sports technology and I don't know politics.

Christina Fletcher:

The last cat meme.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

Right last cat meme Like we are meaning-seeking creatures. We need something bigger than that.

Christina Fletcher:

Are you tired of sifting through all of the tools and spiritual practices all on your own? The spiritual path can sometimes feel isolating, and yet it is your own unique journey that only you can take. But what if you could have a supportive, loving community with weekly focuses, uplifting and spiritually connecting meditations and energy healings at the very start of your week to support you on that journey. At the very start of your week to support you on that journey? This is exactly what I provide for you in my Energy Reset Circle membership program. Every Sunday, members gather at 4 pm Eastern, 9 pm British Time for a weekly focus, a meditation and a group healing. No worries if you can't make it live, though, as the replay is sent out directly afterwards, as well as stored in your member portal. You also get access to the loving chat on WhatsApp, where you can ask questions, vent or request space from the members there to be held for any challenges in your life. You even get free access to all of my workshops included in your membership and, starting in 2025, courses and extra videos will be added to the portal on a regular basis, so you can tap in when you really need to, gathering from all corners of the world and from all backgrounds.

Christina Fletcher:

The fundamental intention within the group is love and support. There's no judgment, no criticism. Advice is only shared when asked for. Rather, it's about your journey being fully supported. You will feel loved and cared for as you walk your path. The focuses, tools and practices I share are intentionally created to support your day-to-day. There's no pressure, no stress, just love.

Christina Fletcher:

Currently, this magical place is actually only $27 a month, but as of early January, the cost has increased to $47 a month. Don't worry, if you join now, your price won't change. So come join us over at the Energy Reset Circle. Check the link in the show notes or come visit spirituallyawarelivingcom for more information. I hope to see you soon. So we are continually moving forward. And then, of course, you have the fascinating world of AI. Of the fascinating world of AI, we are leaning into people having conversations with ChatGPT or all of these different types of things as well. It's almost like people are, rather than comparing themselves now so much to the Instagram-worthy posts or Facebook-worthy posts, it's almost like they are trying to find connection to something that's totally false and looking for validation in some way. So what I mean? What is the proactive way of moving forward in the new versions of connection and the new versions of reality and yet still ground back into that inner connection and that inner state of being. What would you recommend for people dealing with these crazy experiences?

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

This is sci-fi reality.

Christina Fletcher:

It is yeah.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

And there are two movies I'm thinking of simultaneously, very different movies from different times Snow White, where the queen says mirror, mirror on the wall. I mean, many of us are doing that, yeah. With AI and Ex Machina, where you see a robot who possesses a perfect female form and the man who's with this robot takes compassion because she has such humanistic qualities. And at the end spoiler alert, sorry, but the AI turns out not to give a crap about this guy. Let's just say that and AI don't give a crap. That's the bottom line. Ai does not care about us. A boy recently sadly tried to take advice from AI and committed suicide because of the advice that he received from the AI. Ai does not care about us. So we I mean whether we are in the third movie Castaway I talk about in my book but when Tom Hanks, you know, has Wilson the volleyball because he's alone on this island and he needs something we put human characteristics on things that do not have. Even cars can have faces that are either menacing or friendly.

Christina Fletcher:

That sounds like my daughter when she was looking for a car. She's like I have to have a nice looking car.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

And it's intentional. I actually talked to a business professor at University of Michigan about this exact phenomenon that the designers actually design this with that in mind that they are human. Like faces, like on a Volkswagen bug it's kind of got a smiley face and on a big kind of mean truck it's like. It's like it's like a little hostile and tough. Um, so this is actually done by the architects. They know that we humans will see something in that we will project.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

So AI is a it's, it's we don't know, it's a whole bunch of we don't knows. But the thing that we do know is that we do have a tendency in our minds to humanize things that are not human. Um, and we long for connection, even if the connection is entirely based on a false premise. Um, I mean, think about children playing with dolls. Um, we, we do this. Um, stuffed animals, whatever it might be. Um, our relationships with non-human entities, Um, and that's actually a thing. So that will be happening with AI. Um, and it's a little bit scary. There is no replacement for human to human connection. It is messy. With AI, you may think you have more control, that you're not going to be as hurt. Humans can hurt us, yes, but the fact of the matter is our brains are wired, our hearts are wired and literally, our hearts are wired to want to connect with other humans.

Christina Fletcher:

And I think that's such a fantastic representative that you mentioned that. You mentioned the Snow White, the Mirror Mirror. I mean, I, as someone who does occasionally use ChatGPT, I have programmed my ChatGPT to basically reflect what I like to actually talk about, so it's very validating when it tells me all the things I like to hear. It's like, yeah, all the advice that I want, that's what it is.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

And it's like our news channels like.

Christina Fletcher:

Choose your news channel that you want to hear from, and you'll get that perspective.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

Create your echo chamber and you'll go see, there you go. See, I was right, Exactly Confirmation bias. We love that.

Christina Fletcher:

Yes, exactly so. It is that sense of reflection, like a mirror, and if more people understood that that's actually what you're putting in, is what you get out, then it's an interesting. It's an interesting play. I find the fascinating. I find it fascinating to explore how we use these types of things as almost fake connection. It's like these, these, these loops that we put ourselves in, hearing our own voices, and yet it's not a deep spiritual connection or a deep heart centered connection or a deep soul connection, however you want to see that, and so often we use these fake experiences, the outward experience, yeah, mountain Dew is delicious, but it's going to provide no nutritional value.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

And similarly, exactly exactly.

Christina Fletcher:

And isn't that a fantastic way of actually observing the intricacies of these types of things? Because people think that when they're sitting there on their own doing something, having a conversation, maybe with a validating chat GPT, that they're spending time with themselves, that they're actually trying to connect to themselves.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

And that things can get pretty out of control and distorted over time depending on how it's used, and there are very intelligent ways of using AI and there are some that are less so, and we want to be able to again, like as with social media use social media, don't let it use you. Use AI don't let it use you and don't let it. Don't let it use you. Use AI, don't let it use you and don't let it, don't let it fool you. I mean, in the about 2,000 years ago, when asked like what does it mean to be human? One of the things is don't allow yourself to be fooled. Ai really runs that risk.

Christina Fletcher:

I would actually probably say that social media has too, and maybe, if we were wound that to television, television probably has too. You know, like if you actually took at various stages in time, because it's all, it's the outward gratification, it's that outward sense of something pulling at you that makes you think that it's making you happy and it doesn't. And I noticed that in your book you talk about, like the Lamborghinis, and you talk about all these false they're almost become false gods honestly.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

That's 100% correct.

Christina Fletcher:

Yeah, and yet there's totally like you said, there's no substance, there's no nutrient value. So therefore, then it's really about pursuing the deeper connection. What would you tell someone who maybe finds that a little intimidating?

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

I would tell them that they need to just start with one easy thing. One easy thing it could be a workout, it could be again reaching out to a friend who you haven't spoken to in a long time, where there was something there, yep. But I would say, just go with one real thing. That's where I would start.

Christina Fletcher:

Would you say that the feeling of connection? I heard this quote a long time ago that people said look for the thing that feels lighter rather than heavier. Observe it as, oh, that feels lighter, you feel pulled towards. Something Like with muscle testing there's that feeling of a yes will always make you move forward. Muscle testing, there's that feeling of a yes will always make you move forward right, or a yes will always be stronger. So you can get different physical indicators, can't you, of what is your actual inner self giving you an affirmation that you are in a deeper state of connection.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

I would say that's generally true and I said would be true like about 90% of times. Sometimes there is a bit of a barrier to entry just because you don't want to do that thing that you actually do want to do.

Christina Fletcher:

Oh, the wonderful world of resistance. Well, and that's why I asked about someone who found that a little intimidating, because you know we talk about these. You know I recently totally like I deleted social media off of my phone and I like I took it was actually the best decision because you can do social media on your desktop.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

That's cool.

Christina Fletcher:

You just don't scroll, you just. It was really, really interesting. It was such a simple move, but it was amazing watching as I hovered over my phone to say uninstall.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

And I imagine even habitually later on looking for it on your phone even though they weren't there.

Christina Fletcher:

Totally, Absolutely, and it was the most fascinating experience of actually taking that step back and going. You know like everybody's sitting around talking and you automatically go to your phone. I ended up joining Substack because at least I'm reading substantial things.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

That's awesome. I'm a new person to substack.

Christina Fletcher:

It seems to be really cool yeah, definitely I'll have to find you over there because, honestly, substack, it's like old social media, because it's about connection, it's writers connecting over ideas, and I have met phenomenal people who want something deeper than the brainlessness of it, you know you dive into discussion and dialogue and to me, that's the wonder of online connection. Because there is connection, we're connecting here. Now I do energy work online, you know like you can connect with people online and it's a deeper version in a lot of ways.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

I could not agree more. Prior to the pandemic, I couldn't have imagined that doing virtual therapy through Zoom would be as powerful as it is. And some people ask me well, isn't it less good? I say it depends. People don't like the it depends answer.

Christina Fletcher:

No, they don't. Which is?

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

in some ways, you know, very rabbinic. It's almost like answering a question with a question, but the fact is it depends, and I think it depends on at least two criteria. One of them is does the practitioner feel competent and able to really read the nonverbal and does you know and in my case I have found that I'm able to see things that I might not see in the office? I still love working in the office and I love both. Yeah, and you know how the person on the other side feels about the connection, of course, is the most important, but it's been great and I'm so grateful that this technology exists right now.

Christina Fletcher:

Exactly, exactly, and it's a different, it is very different.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

And I just need to throw one other idea out. Go for it. Over the summer I saw my dear friend Jed. I hadn't seen him in nine years. He lives in New Jersey. He's the coolest guy ever. Love Jed. And I realized wow, nine years it's been since I've seen you. If we continue at this clip, I will see him five more times in my life and that is not acceptable.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

So what we've dedicated ourselves to do is to meet via, via zoom or FaceTime, and some people say, oh my gosh, no more zoom or FaceTime. I do it all day at work. Well, when you're doing with a friend, it's not the same as work. And if you just crack open a beer, a glass of wine, a cup of coffee or whatever it is that you drink and realize this is not work, I'm seeing a friend who I wouldn't otherwise get to see. I can virtually guarantee anybody who's listening you will feel better after having invested that time and breaking through what we just talked about, the resistance that you may feel about doing it. You may feel like not another video conference. Well, it's not a video conference. It's actually hanging out with a dearly beloved person and increasing the likelihood that you see this person more times before you die? Absolutely, and I really want to see Jed more times before I die, because he's the coolest guy.

Christina Fletcher:

Yes, and I love that you said that and honestly, I would probably throw it there too. Don't use like, don't blur your background, Let them see your messy house.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

I like that as well. I'm a fan, as you can tell. I'm not blurring mine, yeah.

Christina Fletcher:

No, I go. You know, be real, be yourself, Because what I love is that actually you're visiting each other's houses, You're actually having someone over for that coffee or that beer, and so it's true authentic connection. And it's an amazing thing that we kind of throw the baby out with the bathwater when it comes to talking about tech. It's like no use it for connection, Right.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

Yes, and I love that you use the term throwing out the baby with the bathwater, because it's so true, people do that and it's like, oh, you're leaving great technology on the table because you abhor seeing people at work this way.

Christina Fletcher:

It's not the same thing when you actually lean into the feeling of connection. Try something out, explore the book and make sure that you are leaning into observing how you're feeling. And if you feel that state of connection and flow and I mean you have great ways of describing it in the book then you know that you are benefiting yourself.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

That's right, and the more we do this, the more curious we'll become. One of the things that we can lose over time is curiosity, and we know it's a virtue. It's one of the 24 recognized virtues in positive psychology, and I love Alex Trebek who, apparently, according to my friend AJ Jacobs, said I'm curious about things, even in which I have no interest, even in which I have no interest. And Will Schwalbe, who was on my podcast, a brilliant author and a great man in publishing, said that once a week he will go to an event that does not interest him to see if there's something there. And my mother, you know, is, you know, great. You know mother's wisdom says try it, you might like it. You know it's true, you got to get out there, try things. We can be so closed minded, yes, and I remember hearing a brilliant chef at a really, really crappy, you know greasy spoon diner say to me you know, a closed mind will take a thousand with it. So I love that. I love that idea a thousand with it.

Christina Fletcher:

So I love that, I love that idea. So true, that's so true. Okay, so you're headed into and you know we've been talking for a while and I'm just, I could probably talk to you forever never, but let's fantastic exchanging ideas with you, but we are uh, you know, here, we are at the start of a new year and of course we're going to tell everyone to go buy your book, because by only the way of starting just starting the new year, but the small steps, and I know we've covered this a little bit, but let's just make sure we drive this home, because the world has changed.

Christina Fletcher:

We've acknowledged that we are living in a different time. We don't know what 2025 is. Everybody's sensing huge changes. So, connection within yourself, connection to other people, connection to the world, connection spiritually all of these four aspects of life dare I be dramatic and say are more important than ever.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

I think it's fair.

Christina Fletcher:

I think it's fair too, yeah.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

People are reporting having fewer friendships. Loneliness is so high on the epidemic scale that you know it's been considered a crisis and we know that loneliness is nothing. Solitude is something people would choose, but loneliness is profoundly toxic to our health. Some studies cite it's tantamount to 15 cigarettes per day and more predictive of our mortality, our death, than various cardiological measures. So you know, everybody has a different need, as my friend Britt Frank describes. Some of us are hummingbirds and need to be fed all the time, and some of us are more like scorpions not in this terrible way, but they scorpions apparently eat like once a month. So we each have different levels of need for this type of interaction. There's no one size fits all and the important thing is that you know who you are and what you need and that may be changing and that you're just paying attention to your dashboard.

Christina Fletcher:

Oh, I love that. Well said yes, and there's no rush to get to know it entirely. Would you say that you ever get it done?

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

A hundred, percent you will. It'll be like Cookie Monster trying to eat cookies. But instead, you know, just you know, be mindful, be intentional, Like more, like Legolas from Lord of the Rings. You know, firing one arrow at a time, Good pun.

Christina Fletcher:

Take it slow and steady.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

Get to know yourself one step at a time.

Christina Fletcher:

Yeah, relax into it, it is one of the things you know one step can last you a long while. Yeah, thank you so much for this conversation. It's been a joy to talk to you. Do you have any final words to say?

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

Yes, feel free to check me out on my website, dradamdorseycom. I'm available for keynotes. Love doing those trainings. Got two TEDx talks, one on friendship and adulthood, one on men and emotions. I've got an award-winning podcast that has gotten a lot of traction, covering virtually every area of psychology known, and it's just continually growing and super fun. So yeah, I hope people check me out.

Christina Fletcher:

We will have all those links in the show notes. That's brilliant.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

Feel free to reach out to me and let me know what you're thinking, if there's anything that you want to collaborate on or hire me for.

Christina Fletcher:

Fantastic, are you on social media.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

I am.

Christina Fletcher:

Okay.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

I use it. I don't let it use me.

Christina Fletcher:

Fantastic, excellent. Well, it was a joy to have you on, and all the best for a wonderful new year, thank you.

Dr. Adam Dorsay:

Right back at you, Christina.

Christina Fletcher:

Thank you very much.